It’s funny to imagine oldies stations of the future playing Black Flag or Meshuggah. Even the thought of, say, Dinosaur Jr. or The Strokes on “FM 95.6—Oldies All the Time” is pretty hilarious. At the same time, this future vision kind of makes me look forward to living in a retirement home.
When I think about retirement communities, I picture a cross between Whole Foods and Epstein Island, although everyone who works there should be of legal age. So no funny stuff, OK? But after all, who doesn’t like a little massage. Anyway, when I look into my crystal ball, I see a balding man in basketball shorts sipping a martini by the pool, while workers sweep up and bring towels and stuff. Meanwhile, the piped-in music service is playing Pavement tunes, and there are bidets literally everywhere. Sign me the fuck up, and p.s. I will totally crush any seniors in ping-pong.
I’m not expecting anything too extravagant. But maybe you could dream along with me just for a minute. So at the evening buffet, instead of a fake luau with imitation crab, iceberg lettuce, and canned pineapple chunks, I was thinking we could do a Mediterranean theme, with fattoush and roasted eggplant in tahini sauce? And the next day could be like miso ramen night. What do you think.
I believe that old people should be coddled, because they managed to get that far without jumping from a high place. Nobody wants their golden years to become their shit-brown years. True, we do have Social Security, which is like an endgame budget pity party that you paid for up front. But I think there should be some way to cash in on all the emotional interest accrued as well. And I can pretty much guarantee that I’ll be sad hearing those Pavement tunes by the pool. So I’ll be needing a swag bag for that.
On the other hand, cringe. Because how embarrassing is it to think that at one point, you felt that art could maybe change the world. That everything was going to be all right, because some stupid pop song made you feel happy? It’s your own fault. You should know that those good feelings are just leverage opportunities for private equity.