Let’s be honest, Apple is pretty creepy. As far as I can tell, it’s basically a technocratic cult, like Scientology but with better graphics. Of course everyone loves Apple products, but it’s kind of like the family in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 who wins the County Fair BBQ cookoff using human sausage. Because you don’t really know everything that goes into the making of Apple products, I mean not exactly, but you can pretty much expect that some measurable quantity of children will die of some sort of poisoning, or be sold to alien researchers, and people will be forced onto the streets and given tranq to smoke in tents because the Apple Vision Pro 2 must launch on schedule. I mean you can’t spell progressive without progress!
Also I have relatively reliable information that, upon joining the Apple “family,” you have to swear a pledge to Cthulhu and sign a Fight Club NDA that says if you ever discuss the Apple worship of Cthulhu you may be subject to vaporization, facilitated by the insertion of a microchip in your neck that reports you to Human Resources if you ever do talk about the new Cthulhu theology featuring pontificated Steve Jobs. Alternately, at the discretion of the Company, violators of the pledge may be sent to Zhengzhou to perform hardware quality control, after which time the Company cannot necessarily guarantee familial reunification. Policy subject to revision.
Speaking of HR, remember how last time I recommended that everyone get hip and start thinking about humans as resources? That’s actually not that hip because it’s really more early-2000s millennial feel-good optimization vibes. What’s more hip is to get granular and drill down into the asset itself, i.e. the human being. Please recognize that at this critical stage in history, the safest bet for democracy would be to place the psychological and physical well-being of our citizens in the capable hands of a select central committee staffed by the very best and brightest products of think tank or consultancy group excellence. And for God’s sake, have some decency and place a little bit of trust in our experts. Remember, democracy is on the ballot and we don’t want fascism. OKAY?